Today is my birthday, and tomorrow is too#
Today is my 27th birthday, and coincidentally, tomorrow is also──my lunar birthday. I checked, and this phenomenon of overlap varies from person to person; some may experience it every 19 years, while others might have to wait 152 years1. Looking at it this way, I consider myself quite lucky; by 2036, my Gregorian birthday and lunar birthday will fall on the same day (perfectly resolving the information gap issue where younger people celebrate their Gregorian birthdays while the older generation celebrates their lunar birthdays).
Such a coincidence might indicate some special fate. In economics, there is a concept called the Kondratiev wave. The economy always follows a cyclical pattern of recession-recovery-overheating-stagflation-recession. I feel that life might also follow such a pattern.
Currently, I find myself in a phase of stagflation and recession; looking back over the past year, confusion has become the main theme of my 27th year.
The last time I felt this confused was when I was 18. At that time, I failed my college entrance exam and reluctantly entered society, unsure of where I was headed. After retaking the exam and getting accepted, I found my direction again and was often appreciated by others. Three years after graduation, I find myself at another crossroads of confusion: living the same life day after day, doing the same job. I don't understand what I should be doing or where I should be going.
Although life is calm, I still feel immense pressure. This pressure feels like standing in the eye of a typhoon. Outside the eye, the winds howl, while inside it remains calm. An invisible pressure envelops you because you don't know when the typhoon will stop or where it will go. You are uncertain whether the eye of the typhoon will move; your current situation is not absolutely safe. Should you seek a way out or pray in place, hoping the typhoon will pass?
In the past, I always prayed in place, but now I want to seek outward.
Seeking Outward#
At 27, perhaps the most memorable thing for me is that I traveled to Thailand. This country has beautiful scenery and friendly residents; I felt an unprecedented relaxation here and used spoken English for the first time. I went with Lena, without joining a tour group.
Southeast Asia has not been very peaceful in recent years, and Thailand has also been overshadowed by this. I felt nervous because it was my first time abroad, fearing that something unexpected might happen during the trip. However, this nervousness disappeared as soon as I landed.
Thailand is a great country for vacationing; the cost of living is low, and the pace is slow. We landed in Phuket and stayed for six days in a place called Kata, experiencing the local customs and culture. I really enjoy this "laid-back" style of travel, staying in one place for a while to experience life rather than rushing around. Unfortunately, the holiday was limited, and I couldn't stay a few more days.
On the way back, we stopped in Bangkok, a bustling city. I found it rather boring, like another Shenzhen.
Next, I plan to visit more places; I want to go to Indonesia to see volcanoes, or perhaps go to Nepal to look for traces of primitive Buddhism. Maybe, I don't know.
After returning from my trip to Thailand and going back to my original life, I felt a deep sense of disconnection. I realized the reason for my confusion──I had not been living according to my true self. All along, I had been following the rules, going step by step, just to meet the expectations of others: my parents' hopes, societal standards, and institutional guidance. I never figured out why I was living. I have been pondering whether we have the right to decide our own way of life. Do we have to follow the same secular evaluation standards?
Following the rules is not necessarily bad; in fact, the system has protected many people, and I have benefited within this framework. I am just tired of being coerced by a single value system.
Building a Meaningful World#
In the novel "Siddhartha," Siddhartha's friend Govinda does not understand why Siddhartha chooses to abandon the Buddha's teachings2 and seeks the truth on his own. Although in the end, he sees the Buddha-like wisdom and tranquility in Siddhartha's face──that is the "Way" and "Nirvana."
I used to be as confused as Govinda: if practicing Buddhism can lead to enlightenment, why must one abandon the existing truth and suffer to explore?
Now I think I understand──fully accepting others' value systems results in a "meaningful world" that is explained and defined for you. This world may promise you a "paradise," but a "given" world that loses autonomy and freedom can ultimately only be a cage.
By seeking your own "meaningful world" with confusion, you are exercising your autonomy and freedom; your subjectivity quietly forms, and many possibilities in the world open up to you. This world is actively sought and constructed by you, and the strength and wisdom gained from this process cannot be compared to the former. In simple terms, "what you gain from books feels shallow; true understanding requires personal experience."
27 Years Old#
At 27, I have entered my second rebellious phase. If the rebellion at 18 stemmed from a challenge to parental authority, the rebellion at 27 comes from questioning societal norms. At 18, when my parents said, "You should do this," I refused, resulting in bruises. Now, when society tells me, "You must do that," I still refuse. I may get hurt again, but I still want to know what is right and what is wrong. I must experience it myself.
As I turn 27, my growth has finally arrived.
Footnotes#
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The Buddha's original name is Siddhartha Gautama; in the novel "Siddhartha," this name is split into two characters. ↩